identical dialogue

I just realized what I wrote on december 9 is exatly what I wrote today how werid is that. I just repeated myself forgot about the post and remembered the exact feeling of those few days ago then it manifested through words werid is myself trying to tell myself something. I think So. But I don't know how to tell him. I don't even think I want to tell him. I don't think I want to come between his dreams. I think I just have to accept this situation that I can't control and just move on from it.

Is it time to just let _ _?

I was talking to him on the phone and he was going on about ambitions it was pretty cool
but I think I kinda coldly cut him off because I was a bit upset about him going to america potentially to play football. I know it is a slim chance but still it pisses me off. I dont really want to talk to anyone about this except for myself which is here on my blog. But, I dont know how to deal with this situation any longer. IT's like the better half of me is taking control, but the other half the half that wants to release this upsetness, but I cant cause telling him that no dont go to american or dont go to nanimo either one is inhibiting from reaching his dream of playing football. If he goes to nanimo which im 88.9% he will which is almost 100% yes probabilty I am fine with, since hypothetically we'll see each other. But with america I belive I wont see him for 6 months or even longer. And im just going to be driven to party and drink and study like a mofo and by that time I'll be 117 pounds with my gummy bear implants and halfway done nursing. And 6 mnths without esmat I could go clubbing 2 times a week and actually partyy. you know what IT seems very appealing, hot body, tanned, gummy bear implants, attention, edge, advantage. But when it comes down to it, what matters. What really matters. I dont fucking know well I dont know what I want. But when it comes to this, I guess I just have to as what rasa says play it by ear. Just play it by ear. Take it by each day, just like I told myself in the start. Take it day by day. Im just going to keep loosing weight, I have lost 15 pounds and now gone down from 160 pounds to 145 pounds 5 more pounds then it'll be 20 pounds lost then 10 more pounds then IT will be normal body, then another 12 pounds lost then it will be vixen body mode which is what I ultimately want. 1000 calories a day do 40 mins of cardio and abs and leg for 20 mins and derma visits would give me my contentness with my body and my skin! I love myself, I am worth loosing this weight and I am worth loving myself.

realize

sometimes you feel like you have to let go of what you know
and take ahold of something unfamiliar. He wants to go to
nanimo to play football he wants to go to America to play
Football all I can do is smile and encourage him, but deep down
I'm honestly half ok, but the other half that's not ok doesn't materialize
till now, when it's 1:50am in the morning when the whole worlds asleep except for me.
I don't want to be the one that is hindering him from achieving greater things.
I think again, my plan of self-fufillement through other means as in
simply get skinny get clear skin get more attention, will work for only
so long till the chase is gone and all you have is your soul nagging at you
because you know and it knows that your other soulmate the person that
acctually means something to you is unaccessable distance wise. I'll get down to 130 pounds
I'll get clearskin through eating right and dermatologist, I'll go even futher and get down to 115 then get gummy bear implants be happy and be content and honestly I think I'll go
clubbing everyweekend study my brains off thru the week then go to the gym 4 times a week
work at a job twice a week and then really what I wanted to do was stay in my room read a book and then fall asleep for 15 hours. I guess what I'm trying to say, what myself is trying to say is that I will be missing him, but it's something I can't control, but I have to accept. I can't control his choices so I have to just come to terms with them and accept it. I can't control what career path he chooses I just have to come to terms with them and accept it. I have to come to terms with these things that I can't control and accept it. I can analyze a situation for hours days months years but when it comes dowm to it I cant put the peices of the past back together in the present I got to leave those peices behind and move the fuck on.

3 steps

The way to get out of this thought pattern is to focus on gratitude. Set aside time to focus on everything positive in your life. Make a mental list of your strengths, past successes, and current advantages. We tend to take our strengths for granted and dwell on our failures. By making an effort to feel grateful, you’ll realize how competent and successful you already are. This will rejuvenate your confidence and get you motivated to build on your current success.

It might sound strange that repeating things you already know can improve your mindset, but it’s amazingly effective. The mind distorts reality to confirm what it wants to believe. The more negatively you think, the more examples your mind will discover to confirm that belief. When you truly believe that you deserve success, your mind will generate ways to achieve it. The best way to bring success to yourself is to genuinely desire to create value for the rest of the world.

The key is moving from an intangible desire to concrete, measurable steps.

By focusing your mind on a positive goal instead of an ambiguous fear, you put your brain to work. It instantly begins devising a plan for success. Instead of worrying about the future you start to do something about it. This is the first step in motivating yourself to take action. When know what you want, you become motivated to take action.

The key to finding direction is identifying the activities that lead to success. For every goal, there are activities that pay off and those that don’t. Make a list of all your activities and arrange them based on results. Then make a make an action plan that focuses on the activities that lead to big returns. To continue the example from above, a blogger’s list would look something like this:

1. Write content
2. Research relevant topics
3. Network with other bloggers
4. Optimize design and ad placements
5. Answer comments and email
6. Read other blogs

Keeping track of your most important tasks will direct your energy towards success. Without a constant reminder, it’s easy to waste entire days on filler activities like reading RSS feeds, email, and random web surfing.

When my motivation starts to wane, I regain direction by creating a plan that contains two positive actions. The first one should be a small task you’ve been meaning to do, while the second should be a long-term goal. I immediately do the smaller task. This creates positive momentum. After that I take the first step towards achieving the long-term goal. Doing this periodically is great for getting out of a slump, creating positive reinforcement, and getting long-term plans moving.

weight loss diaries: progress

My body is beginning to show now that I'm loosing weight I've completed the first 10 pounds gone for the 40 total pounds that is my ultimate goal. Decembers goal is 10 more pounds. So, that includes gym for 2 hours or home gym for 1 hour 20 mins 30/20/30 5 days a week. So today is december 5, 2008 and I have 26 more days to loose 10 more pounds. Then I arrive at 140 pounds
So, I have to burn 1346.15 calories per day and that will bring me to 10 pounds lost by the 12/31/2008 AND I LOVE HOW THE CLOTHES are fitting now! It feels good when your walking and your pants are falling

power of attraction

once you start to love yourself accept yourself understand yourself you start to produce this contentness within yourself you willing to accept that there are somethings that you can change and somethings that you can't change and you are willing to love learn and give. I think If you break it down to what happiness is about I think it could be a multitude of things, but it sums down to one thing: giving. No just materially, but just simply giving. It comes down to building relationships with people and creating this profound connection allowing both people have this genuine understanding that you can lean on that person as well as share the laugher and good times with that person. It is when you play a pivitol role helping that person be the best they can be and supporting them as well as listening to them when they need to speak as we all know "do unto others as you would like them to do unto you." Helping, fosters strength within yourself inorder to strengthen others. Do things that you like to attract more in your life, thing of the things that you want in your life more, be happy and content and give and love humanity and life as they are God's give to his children. The more you do these things inside your mind as well as your actions you will see this transformation of yourself into something powerful, provoking, yet humble and kind. You will understand that what materializes from the outside materializes inside the mind and the heart first. You gotta know where your aiming before you shoot, and before you shoot you have to know where to aim first. Making your weakness your strengths.

workout cardio burn

bilateral and unilateral training
and 30 min sessions of cardio on treadmill walking speed of 2-4mph and 5-10%inclide with 20 min breaks. In 20 min breaks do stretching and abdominals

its all in your minds eye

paradigm
change it because it either allows your to fly or limits you.
So. Here. Ive lost 5 pounds yay! 35 more to go. Im going to finish biology
then I'll worry about that thing that lingers in the back of my mind after I finish what I have to do.
I can do it. I can do it. Im going to finish it. 15 pounds lost by dec 31 and completed.

move on

you can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, even months
over analyzing a situation; trying to put the peices together,
justifying what could've, should've, would've happend.
or you can just leave the peices on the floor
and move the fuck on
-Tupac

P.SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

I AM SO FUCKING EXCITED FOR DOOOOOOOOOMMMSSSNIGHT
IM GOING TO DANCE FOR 8 HOURS STRAIGHT
NO LIE 8 HOURS STRAAIIIGGHHHTT|
BITACHHHHH

RESULT

okay so heres whats been happening for the last couple of days.
2 days a go my laptop cable started smoking so now I dont have a charger
and am waiting for a new 1 that will come for another lets just say 4 more weeks
so thats a month without a laptop! HAHAHAHAH I AM LIKE OBSESSED WITH MY LAPTOP
now i'm going to be supressed. OK now DOOMSNIGHT IS IN 48 HOURS my friend managed
TO SNAG 2 tickets for 130 with her blond hair THANK GOD for her hair, shes beautiful inside and out! AND I have officially lost 5 pounds thats 2 weeks of blood sweat and tears! 2 more weeks 5 more pounds then another 2 more weeks 5 more pounds and so forth by dec 31 25 pounds lost
that is if I do cardio every single day for 45 mins or more! well with 25 pounds lost I shall! YAY
I have work for 4 hours tmm. I miss working at suzy shier it was so easy back then. It was just so damn easy.

today just a regular day

81 more days till skinny beautiful. I went to the gym today AK im breaking out
but I think I just need to sleep earlier. Im watching the hills its actually pretty good.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO AUDRINA IS BREAKING UP WITH COREY WTF.
WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO GO BACK TO JUSTIN. GAY GAY GAY GAY

sleep

I went on the treadmill for 1hr today. burned 300 calories day 8 of my exercise and 82 more days till body beautiful. i went to work and had to change parking spaces every 3 hours. So, tmm I'm just going to pay 5 dollars and park at a location for the whole day. I think I might even go to the gym and do some weights. Weights are important be cause building more muscles means burning more calories. I found out that the way the guy keeps track of who's staying in the parking lot for more than 3 hours is by slashing the car with chalk. So world to all you ppl that park at surrey central if you see chalk on your car take the chalk off and park somewhere else and the guy wont even know.

blond moment

ok I just realized that I did make a post last night
oh what a night

these 2 days o boy

so last night I got my dads car impounded and had to pay 92.32 then I slept at 10pm then I went to work the next morning (haven't been at work for 2 weeks.) Then after work I go to the gym burn 500 calories then my mom get's knocked in the head by the lat bar. So, by this time im out of the gym and at the hair salon with my mom (cause she wanted to get a hair cut) So after that I went to my aunts house then they convinced my mom to go to the hospital just to make sure and I had to parallel park in a stall. Then after that me and my mom went home and now I'm in front of my laptop typing. TODAY IS MY 1 WK ANNIVERSSARY FOR EXERCISING EVERY DAY YAY! So 83 more days to go to skinny me. PEACE

on a lighter note

I worked out for 4 hours in total today
so that is some light in my day

exhausted to the point

midterm was today said I was going to go to the gym I did I feel fat yada yada yada and I chilled with rasa then I got my car towed and I paid 92 dollars for fucking parking in the wrong spot where there was NO SPECIFIC INDICATION WHATSOEVER where I PARKED so I am fucking pissed and angry and tired and I just got my period and I want to puke all the food I ATE I am just going to go to sleep and tmm wake up go to work be a robot and sell as much as I can and fucking get the hell out of there then go to my happy place: the gym. the end.

specific

so basically in order for me to be skinny the perfect weight would be 116 pounds
right now i am at 159 therefore that is 43 more pounds to go. Hypothetically, if I burned 1000 calories everyday by the end of 129 days which is approx 4.5 months I would have burned 129000 calories in total. for happiness and confidence yes anything, so I shall.

Weight IN 10/22/2008

BEFORE 160 pounds
TODAY 159 pounds

YAY MY FIRST POUND OF FAT HAS BEEN ELIMINATED
THAT WAS 5 DAYS OF BLOOD SWEAT AND TEARS PAYING OFF!

one step closer-85 more days till 130 pounds.

each time I step on to the treadmill, each time I go to the gym brings me one step closer to the skinny me. I can't wait till I see no more belly fat, love handles thunder thighs. I can't wait till I can wear shirts that aren't long but short mid-rift shirts. I just cant wait! It has been day 5 of working out everyday and I have 2 more days to reach my 1 week workout anniversary! hahahahah. I just need to keep feeling how it might feel being in those pair of skinny jeans and not worrying about your pussyfat bulging out or your love handles bulging out just causually walking down the street feeling strong confident and internally accomplished. I will give it three months If I can stick it through this workout scedule then that would equal 3 mnths of hard work,sweat, blood, tears and 30 pounds of fat lost. 30 POUNDS OF FAT just thinking about it makes me excited. My stomach would be flatter, and my pussyfat would be gone, my thighs would be smaller and sleeker and my facial fat would be eliminated. OMG just envisioning what 30 pounds would do for me! I wouldn't be able to hold two handfuls of fat with my own hands, I could finally grab just a half a hand of fat! SO EXCITING. today is october 22,2008. 85 more days till 130 pounds.

Go big or Go home

I feel like that there are things in my life that are comming together. And the irony of it is that what I want is just a step away. But, the thing is that between me and what I want is that step that consists of hardwork, determination, focus, concentration, perseverance and desire. Taking that one step means stepping out of my element inorder to attain what I want. Loosing weight requires me to control what I eat and to exercise and to see the reality of my body and realize what I can do to change that. For acn my goal is to become TC, but the first step in that is doing the little things first like talking to people everyday and getting numbers and believing in myself and being confident in my ability. For biology is the perseverance and focus of reading and taking notes and absorbing the material and understanding what I'm reading/learning, and doing it on a consistent basis. And lastly, my skin, I think the first step is already taken I just need to start wearing less makeup to let my skin breath. Consistency doing a little bit each day towards your goals estimate to bigger steps that estimate to bigger steps that bring you towrards the goal (what you want.)

Go BIG or go HOME.
Success is only a work ethic away

suppressed and undressed

I just wrote this whole spiel about how. you know what maybe it's not meant to be posted. maybe there is a reason why my Mozilla Firefox closed on me. Maybe it's God's way of saying "let it go there are better things to be fretting about." Yea, I think so. So to cut it short. Commitment over emotions. I'm going to take a run, exercise + endorphins = happiness <3

P.S.

day 2 on minocycline

hoping and wishing

is it really necessary to keep erect for 30 mins after consuming the antibiotic!

The tiny steps necessary for clear skin.

I do. I do.

today

today was good. I woke up again and found my laptop keyboards b totally demolished. I was a bit perplexed but I somehow managed to fix the "b." Also, I stuck to my plan kinda to exercise first thing in the morning. I didn't go to the gym, instead I ran on my treadmill for 40 mins. Another eventful thing that happened to day is that I went to a birthday party at the space lounge. I actually went out in public today. I felt good, it was nice to feel what I was missing out on, so I know what's out there to feast on next time at the buffet of experiences. I have to work hard for a nice body and I am totally fine with it. I've accepted the terms and conditions. So, Today I ate a 7 layer burrito and a chicken gordita with guacamole on the side. Then I ate a slice of pizza and Teriyaki chicken at space lounge. Then 8 pieces of sushi at some Japanese restaurant. Move more eat less loose weight. I put the fat picture on my laptops wallpaper so I can be constantly reminded to work|hard for a skinny body. I can. I have to. I can. On a lighter note I watched the last episode of heroes it was intense.But what I'm really anticipating is the next episode of fringe this tuesday at 9pm. I just remembered something really weird I just remembered that there is such thing as 0 street it is located in Aldergrove.

First step

Today was a productive day. As soon as I woke up I studied the normal body flora for bio. Then drove to school and took my bio test for 2 hours. After that I decided to go to the gym. I felt motivated to go to the gym with the constant reminder of that horrendous picture of fatness permanently implanted in my head. After that I went to the doctor with my mom and took the first steps in controlling my acne and my acne scars. I was prescribed minocycline which is a strong antibiotic used to treat inflamed acne. So I have a months supply and Im excited. Today I felt good because I did something that benefited me in all the aspects that really matter to me, my weight, my skin, and my biology. It sounds kinda absurd, but honestly when you break things down to simple terms it becomes more managable and achievable. Then after accomplishing the simple your just build upon that to greater things. So this is a testiment to my very first step. My first honest step towards my goals.

reality realize // time to change

today I saw a picture of myself on facebook and I realized how much weight I've put on. Man, I'm so disappointed at myself. I think literally seeing yourself in a picture makes you aware of how much weight you put on. Seeing that picture makes me feel disgusted. I can't live like this anymore, I feel like a skinny person stuck in a fat body. Time to make a commitment to myself to go to the gym 4 times a week because I am worth it and I am worth being made happy. What motivates me is looking at that picture make me feel fat, makes me feel disgusted about myself. I want to loose weight because it will make me happy and it will make be content with myself. I am 160 pounds at 5'3, I am 30 pounds overweight. I don't want to be rail thin, I just want to be happy with what I look like in the mirror or in picture. In the state of being at 130 pounds that will make me happy. Also, tommorow I am going to the doctor to get a refferal to go see my dermatologist. It has been 3 and a half years since I've seen him. I am going to get my skin in order and start fixing it by first seeking professional help. I think in order to achieve success in your life, you need to fix your personal internal struggles first, before getting out of your mental cage to go catch some sharks. I know I can loose 30 pounds, and it will take strict discipline and a strong work ethic. I will put my mind to it, because this skinny soul is getting out of this fat body.

biology 1160

YIKES its 2:59am my test is in 7 hours and I only have some information crammed in my head for my test. ITS DO OR DIE. Okay lets rationalize for a second we only use 2% of a brain therefore there is 98% free brain usage capacity! No more cramming. no more cramming. No more. There's like a thousand things in my head right now I want to shut all of it off. sleep. On a sidenote I think i'm going to ask my family physician for Spironolactone I heard it is an effective drug to clear acne. "Life is what you make it." - success depends on the crucial choice you make by getting back on track when you've gotten off track.

I realized what i saw in the mirror

I know all of us can attest to that one time when you look in the mirror and realize that you need to loose weight. Man, tonight was that exact experience. I looked in the mirror and realized that i was fat. I've been battling with my weight for years ever since I was 13 when I entered a beauty pageant. Ever since then my weight has been a constant struggle. It's like a never ending cycle, first your start your motor "yes, I can loose it, okay, lets go to the gym, okay lets watch what I eat." Then a few weeks after the optimism and hope runs dry and you feel shattered and you look in the mirror again and feel the same as you did when your first looked in the mirror and realized your fat. I am at a point in my life where I don't go out as much cause I feel self-conscious about my weight and prefer to stay indoors at home where I don't have to worry about how I look. On top of that I suffered from acne and have acne scars on my face and whenever I go to the gym I feel compelled to wear makeup to hide those scars, but it makes me breakout because sweat and makeup don't match. So, currently right now I feel like I have to change, I feel like I have to take some risks, I feel like this nonchalant banter isn't banter at all, but the light that will lead me to the beginning of my first steps of accepting what I need to change my life for the better and to accept myself as I am. What is the vision of all of this? Is it vanity? Is it selfishness? Is it to reclaim my pride and love for myself? The answer is no. My vision is to reclaim that feeling of unshakable confidence, to reclaim the emotion of accomplishment and to experience the feeling of unstoppable contentness. I want to feel what it truly feels to feel at peace with yourself because you've accepted yourself. And I know there are people that will say you have to accept yourself for whatever you are all flaws included, but what if you have the power to change some of those flaws. As for me, I feel that I can change some of those flaws and I have to. I have to because that will make me happy.