current

So here I am 116 pounds. So here I am new bf. So here I am in a new era. Back to the past I still get a little nostaligic. Listening to this song moment for life makes me miss those that I shared my life with. I don't know why, but am I just compensating by hurting myself again. When Im not being paid attention to, I find attention to. Here I am naked in the night. All I have is myself. Do I like myself now, have I reached a point where I kinda like myself at least. Maybe a little, just a little. I got a bit upset tonight cause although this routine with mike is a little different lately all he does is fall asleep on me. I go to work then he picks me up then he falls asleep on me. Or I wakeup and he leave to work. Or I finish my hw and he falls asleep cause he has to wake up at 6am. I'm feeling emotional cause it feels like it all over again, like those times when esmat used to come over but we just do our own thing and from that we just get used to each other and then we just start forgetting each other in a way because you take each other for granted. I hate that feeling. Keeping it fresh, how do I do that. I know he cares about me, I know I care about him. But at this moment, I feel stressted, I feel strained, I feel frusturated, I miss my girlfriend and I miss my party times. I remember when I was with esmat and this feeling would come over me when I would just be like fuck it Im gonna be bad. He was a good guy that treated me bad. LOL. How is that possible? Its when your with a guy thats naturally a good guy but he stopped paying attention to you and all that romantic stuff totally omitted. I'm gonna take it one day at a time. I'm gonna enjoy my days. Fuck everybody and fuck stress. I'm gonna do me and just do whatever I have to do and do me by taking care of my body and my skin and my mental health. I'm gonna find time to finish my hw, spend time with my bffs at least once every two weeks and party at least twice a mnth. My main goals for the spans of 2 years is to loose my tummy entirely and be 112 pounds, is to finish my psychiatric nursing degree, get clear skin, get a casual/part-time line in surrey memorial hospital, and start my legacy bringing eating disorders group resources in colleges/universities. Make it simple. If I accomplish those things I do me and doing me makes me happy. My fantasy goal is getting abs and doing import modeling and promos and photoshoots. If I work really hard by 24 I'll do the import model thing till im 28 four years yay! LETS DO IT :)

fallinn

you got me mesmerized with your eyes
you got me twisted with your get back stare
its only the first time I've seen you yet I'm paralyzed by you
I told you I wanna take care of you
for some reason as complete strangers talk
I meant every word I said
I wanna get to know you
cause I fucking like you so much
everything about you makes me go crazy
the way you look at me
makes me feel like I never felt before

falling from grace

So, here I am. I'm 120 pounds lost 6. I have 10 more pounds to go. 10 more pounds means 2 more months of starvation and 2 more months of hardcore dedication. When Im alone at home all I hear is the silence that comes when there's no one around. All I hear is nothing but my thoughts. I feel that is all I have right now. I haven't been even talking to my bf either. He hasn't called. I guess this is the way things go sometimes. I want to be drugged with something splendid. I want to be spoiled with someone I like. I was thinking today while I was scrubbing the carpet, it's all in my mind. My reality is what I think reality is. Therefore, the life I live is based on a state of mind. Motivation, ambition, destruction and desecration all are states of mind. If I can figure out how to control my mind I can control my reality. I think the first step to the many is to begin to create a reality in my mind that I want amid the external reality that surrounds me. Before reaction and consequence is choice. To believe what you want to believe and to believe in what you believe in is the truth. I will create my reality that I want and believe in what I want to believe in.

control

so, I think since I cant control my bulimia. I cant control my shopping habits! LOL. So, Ive bought enough dresses and clothes and shoes and makeup to last me for 2 years! now, honestly, I need to stop or at least start controling my spending habits. I say I am going to have this budget blah blah blah, but it never works. Well, lets analyze the situation, I stay home, i have nothing to do aside from hw, so i am on internet all the time, I am bored, so to stimulate me and make me feel good I go on internet and I look at clothes and looking a clothes leads to wanting the clothes and wanting the clothes leads to buying the clothes, "well, whatever, I am going to pay for it any ways!" So, here's my dillema, How do I stop? Well, I think I am going to stop by trying to stop, by practicing some self control, by just occupying my time, finding things to make myself more productive, by putting my time on a slot that is obligated to be occupied and fufilled, i am going to voulenteer and find a part-time job and become busy, this is the only way I am going to stop this shopping non-sense. I am going to fix my resume and ready it to apply for ESN on break, I am going to send the resumes I have to scottsdale mall, I am going to voulenteer for seminhahoo and i am going to complete some applications for caregiver home thing. They only way to change this situation, is to change myself. This is the last time I am going to shop extravagantly, and from now on I have 20 dollars a mnth spending limit for clothes, shoes, and makeup (LOL time to put the chain around my neck to practice some self-control). self control, I really need to learn that, self-control, I think If I do this, I will begin to master myself over myself. Like Im skinny now, done that. Now, I need clear skin, still gotta work on that! But now I have to intrinsically mould my character the way that I need in order to be the person I have to be. So, self-control/self-discipline is part one! I will start by my mantra, shopping does not give me control shopping does not give me security, jesus gives me control and jesus gives me security. I can do this. Yes, I can do this. Just like how i lost 40 pounds, even though it was bad, i did it anyways. So I can control my shopping habits I can spend that 20 dollars a mnth! I can do it. I can do it. I can do it!

caged free

i own my own life and no one else is in control of if aside from me. I choose to do everything I want to do and I choose to do it cause I want to do it.

the contradiction

I went from 160 to 119. And funny thing, I thought I would have the life I wanted the feeling I wanted basically everything I wanted, but no. At this moment I am still lonely. I am the skinniest that i've ever been and yet i am still unhappy. I bought all these clothes, and it only lasts 5 seconds to make me happy. Maybe I should start going out and doing the meeting people thing again. Ya, probally that would make me happy. I dont really keep contact with people, so maybe If I start calling people and doing the social thing, instead to shopping and playing games all day I would be happier. I think I care too much of what people think of me, but you know what today is always a new day and a new day means new anything and new change. I fixed my body, when I should have fixed my innerself first. Today is about the inside of me. About loving being around me when its just me and me. I want to fall in love with my self again. I will let go of all these people and fall in love with myself again. I am going to let go living up to peoples expectations, im going to let go of living up to all the worlds standards, I am going to look at things diffrently and not like how everyone else would see it, I am going to live how a person should live: free.

contradict me.

Wretched euphoria
why do you blind me with this contradicted bliss
selfishly allowing the futility of destruction manifest


Ideally we cultivate ourselves in a way that started off from a prototype that we adored. Only our deep desire to create a person that depicts what we wish to be initiates this pattern of hypocrisy towards ourselves because consciously we are attracted by the superficial beauty of becoming what we wish to become, superficial I emphasis. Superficial in the kind of demeanor which a person feels empowered and fulfilled by external beauties. But, in truth, what kind of justification is that to ourselves when we fail to perceive the essence of a person: the personality. In the process of the pursuit of fulfillment is it not the heart, the mind and the soul that brings everlasting satisfaction to oneself? If that is so reasonably true, why then do we still chase these superficial beauties. Amids this pattern of contradictory enlightenment, in the end we fail to walk the rightchouse road of the heart and aim for the road of worldly beauty. In the end when we gain, our desires crave more and just like an addicted drug addict we become a addict of a neverending pursuit of nothingness.