identical dialogue

I just realized what I wrote on december 9 is exatly what I wrote today how werid is that. I just repeated myself forgot about the post and remembered the exact feeling of those few days ago then it manifested through words werid is myself trying to tell myself something. I think So. But I don't know how to tell him. I don't even think I want to tell him. I don't think I want to come between his dreams. I think I just have to accept this situation that I can't control and just move on from it.

Is it time to just let _ _?

I was talking to him on the phone and he was going on about ambitions it was pretty cool
but I think I kinda coldly cut him off because I was a bit upset about him going to america potentially to play football. I know it is a slim chance but still it pisses me off. I dont really want to talk to anyone about this except for myself which is here on my blog. But, I dont know how to deal with this situation any longer. IT's like the better half of me is taking control, but the other half the half that wants to release this upsetness, but I cant cause telling him that no dont go to american or dont go to nanimo either one is inhibiting from reaching his dream of playing football. If he goes to nanimo which im 88.9% he will which is almost 100% yes probabilty I am fine with, since hypothetically we'll see each other. But with america I belive I wont see him for 6 months or even longer. And im just going to be driven to party and drink and study like a mofo and by that time I'll be 117 pounds with my gummy bear implants and halfway done nursing. And 6 mnths without esmat I could go clubbing 2 times a week and actually partyy. you know what IT seems very appealing, hot body, tanned, gummy bear implants, attention, edge, advantage. But when it comes down to it, what matters. What really matters. I dont fucking know well I dont know what I want. But when it comes to this, I guess I just have to as what rasa says play it by ear. Just play it by ear. Take it by each day, just like I told myself in the start. Take it day by day. Im just going to keep loosing weight, I have lost 15 pounds and now gone down from 160 pounds to 145 pounds 5 more pounds then it'll be 20 pounds lost then 10 more pounds then IT will be normal body, then another 12 pounds lost then it will be vixen body mode which is what I ultimately want. 1000 calories a day do 40 mins of cardio and abs and leg for 20 mins and derma visits would give me my contentness with my body and my skin! I love myself, I am worth loosing this weight and I am worth loving myself.

realize

sometimes you feel like you have to let go of what you know
and take ahold of something unfamiliar. He wants to go to
nanimo to play football he wants to go to America to play
Football all I can do is smile and encourage him, but deep down
I'm honestly half ok, but the other half that's not ok doesn't materialize
till now, when it's 1:50am in the morning when the whole worlds asleep except for me.
I don't want to be the one that is hindering him from achieving greater things.
I think again, my plan of self-fufillement through other means as in
simply get skinny get clear skin get more attention, will work for only
so long till the chase is gone and all you have is your soul nagging at you
because you know and it knows that your other soulmate the person that
acctually means something to you is unaccessable distance wise. I'll get down to 130 pounds
I'll get clearskin through eating right and dermatologist, I'll go even futher and get down to 115 then get gummy bear implants be happy and be content and honestly I think I'll go
clubbing everyweekend study my brains off thru the week then go to the gym 4 times a week
work at a job twice a week and then really what I wanted to do was stay in my room read a book and then fall asleep for 15 hours. I guess what I'm trying to say, what myself is trying to say is that I will be missing him, but it's something I can't control, but I have to accept. I can't control his choices so I have to just come to terms with them and accept it. I can't control what career path he chooses I just have to come to terms with them and accept it. I have to come to terms with these things that I can't control and accept it. I can analyze a situation for hours days months years but when it comes dowm to it I cant put the peices of the past back together in the present I got to leave those peices behind and move the fuck on.

3 steps

The way to get out of this thought pattern is to focus on gratitude. Set aside time to focus on everything positive in your life. Make a mental list of your strengths, past successes, and current advantages. We tend to take our strengths for granted and dwell on our failures. By making an effort to feel grateful, you’ll realize how competent and successful you already are. This will rejuvenate your confidence and get you motivated to build on your current success.

It might sound strange that repeating things you already know can improve your mindset, but it’s amazingly effective. The mind distorts reality to confirm what it wants to believe. The more negatively you think, the more examples your mind will discover to confirm that belief. When you truly believe that you deserve success, your mind will generate ways to achieve it. The best way to bring success to yourself is to genuinely desire to create value for the rest of the world.

The key is moving from an intangible desire to concrete, measurable steps.

By focusing your mind on a positive goal instead of an ambiguous fear, you put your brain to work. It instantly begins devising a plan for success. Instead of worrying about the future you start to do something about it. This is the first step in motivating yourself to take action. When know what you want, you become motivated to take action.

The key to finding direction is identifying the activities that lead to success. For every goal, there are activities that pay off and those that don’t. Make a list of all your activities and arrange them based on results. Then make a make an action plan that focuses on the activities that lead to big returns. To continue the example from above, a blogger’s list would look something like this:

1. Write content
2. Research relevant topics
3. Network with other bloggers
4. Optimize design and ad placements
5. Answer comments and email
6. Read other blogs

Keeping track of your most important tasks will direct your energy towards success. Without a constant reminder, it’s easy to waste entire days on filler activities like reading RSS feeds, email, and random web surfing.

When my motivation starts to wane, I regain direction by creating a plan that contains two positive actions. The first one should be a small task you’ve been meaning to do, while the second should be a long-term goal. I immediately do the smaller task. This creates positive momentum. After that I take the first step towards achieving the long-term goal. Doing this periodically is great for getting out of a slump, creating positive reinforcement, and getting long-term plans moving.

weight loss diaries: progress

My body is beginning to show now that I'm loosing weight I've completed the first 10 pounds gone for the 40 total pounds that is my ultimate goal. Decembers goal is 10 more pounds. So, that includes gym for 2 hours or home gym for 1 hour 20 mins 30/20/30 5 days a week. So today is december 5, 2008 and I have 26 more days to loose 10 more pounds. Then I arrive at 140 pounds
So, I have to burn 1346.15 calories per day and that will bring me to 10 pounds lost by the 12/31/2008 AND I LOVE HOW THE CLOTHES are fitting now! It feels good when your walking and your pants are falling

power of attraction

once you start to love yourself accept yourself understand yourself you start to produce this contentness within yourself you willing to accept that there are somethings that you can change and somethings that you can't change and you are willing to love learn and give. I think If you break it down to what happiness is about I think it could be a multitude of things, but it sums down to one thing: giving. No just materially, but just simply giving. It comes down to building relationships with people and creating this profound connection allowing both people have this genuine understanding that you can lean on that person as well as share the laugher and good times with that person. It is when you play a pivitol role helping that person be the best they can be and supporting them as well as listening to them when they need to speak as we all know "do unto others as you would like them to do unto you." Helping, fosters strength within yourself inorder to strengthen others. Do things that you like to attract more in your life, thing of the things that you want in your life more, be happy and content and give and love humanity and life as they are God's give to his children. The more you do these things inside your mind as well as your actions you will see this transformation of yourself into something powerful, provoking, yet humble and kind. You will understand that what materializes from the outside materializes inside the mind and the heart first. You gotta know where your aiming before you shoot, and before you shoot you have to know where to aim first. Making your weakness your strengths.