closer to redemption

I find it funny how when you go from 160 pounds to 128 pounds your still not satisfied. For instance, yeah you fit into smaller clothes and you get more attention, but it becomes cumbersome and your pursuit for happiness falters because you feel empty inside in the end. As I recollect from the days of my youth I recall my grade 7 teacher telling my class of how we would come across a chapter which would be your "feeling emotionally empty" chapter. I think I've reached that chapter. It's like I have all the materialistic things, but deep inside I am not content. It's like a vicious cycle you buy then you want to buy more then you want to buy even more then you want to shop to the extremes. I admit I am a shoppaholic and the shopping part gives me a high just like my bulimia . Once you puke, you feel good; after that it's hard to completely stop because you get this high ( not like a rush) but like a temporary continuous stream of feeling good. Bulimia is like shopping to me. When i shop I feel good, I shop to feel good about myself, I shop to feel secure, I shop because it gives me a second of temporary relief from stress. But all in all, after the purchase, you loose the high and all you want to do is shop again, and again and again. I am here writting in this blog because I've reached a point in my life where I have to accept to myself by writting to myself that I have a addictive personality and that I have self-control issues. I have to learn how to control my spending. I need to learn how to control my bulimia. I need to overall learn how to control myself. I was reading a book written by tony robins and I specifically read his chapter on finances. Number one rule he stated was maintaining wealth occurs when you spend less than you earn. I fucking don't even have a job right now and I've basically dwindled my funds for nothing. Oh man. I am going to force myself to learn how to spend less than I earn. I am going to stop making lists of what I want. I am going to stop depending to material things as part of my identity. I am going to start journying on a new path that no one has taken and break away from these fucking stereotypes. I am going to try to live a simple life, and love things that really matter like family, friends, religion, experiences and education and success. I am going to become an effective person, a person that can make something out of nothing, a person that is a leader, an innovator. I am going to spend my time on matters and experiences that are important and that are necessary for the growth I need to achieve my dream of owning my own nursing home. I am going to find my independance through my dependance on God, values, and good work ethic. I can do this. I can do this. The first step is to stand up from where I last fell and start walkin again.