contradict me.

Wretched euphoria
why do you blind me with this contradicted bliss
selfishly allowing the futility of destruction manifest


Ideally we cultivate ourselves in a way that started off from a prototype that we adored. Only our deep desire to create a person that depicts what we wish to be initiates this pattern of hypocrisy towards ourselves because consciously we are attracted by the superficial beauty of becoming what we wish to become, superficial I emphasis. Superficial in the kind of demeanor which a person feels empowered and fulfilled by external beauties. But, in truth, what kind of justification is that to ourselves when we fail to perceive the essence of a person: the personality. In the process of the pursuit of fulfillment is it not the heart, the mind and the soul that brings everlasting satisfaction to oneself? If that is so reasonably true, why then do we still chase these superficial beauties. Amids this pattern of contradictory enlightenment, in the end we fail to walk the rightchouse road of the heart and aim for the road of worldly beauty. In the end when we gain, our desires crave more and just like an addicted drug addict we become a addict of a neverending pursuit of nothingness.

loosing weight + skin

progress report:

weight is doing great Im at 128 my goal is for 10 more pounds lost so I can be 117 and then I will be content. Therefore, I shall utilize walking on the treadmill and Cesar salad dressing with lettuce 4 days a week and lean protein.

skin is doing way better I must admit I am feeling a little bit more better about myself. I can't wait in 3 months when my skin is going to be clear. That would be the DAY.

side note:

I am going to learn how to cook. I want to increase my skills in cooking so that I can make any type of cuisine whenever I crave it, instead of purchasing it.

I am going to make more use of my time, by reading, working, and putting ideas into action PRONTO!

I am going to live a simple lifestyle that focuses on the pursuit of spiritual fulfillment and the pursuit of my dreams.

closer to redemption

I find it funny how when you go from 160 pounds to 128 pounds your still not satisfied. For instance, yeah you fit into smaller clothes and you get more attention, but it becomes cumbersome and your pursuit for happiness falters because you feel empty inside in the end. As I recollect from the days of my youth I recall my grade 7 teacher telling my class of how we would come across a chapter which would be your "feeling emotionally empty" chapter. I think I've reached that chapter. It's like I have all the materialistic things, but deep inside I am not content. It's like a vicious cycle you buy then you want to buy more then you want to buy even more then you want to shop to the extremes. I admit I am a shoppaholic and the shopping part gives me a high just like my bulimia . Once you puke, you feel good; after that it's hard to completely stop because you get this high ( not like a rush) but like a temporary continuous stream of feeling good. Bulimia is like shopping to me. When i shop I feel good, I shop to feel good about myself, I shop to feel secure, I shop because it gives me a second of temporary relief from stress. But all in all, after the purchase, you loose the high and all you want to do is shop again, and again and again. I am here writting in this blog because I've reached a point in my life where I have to accept to myself by writting to myself that I have a addictive personality and that I have self-control issues. I have to learn how to control my spending. I need to learn how to control my bulimia. I need to overall learn how to control myself. I was reading a book written by tony robins and I specifically read his chapter on finances. Number one rule he stated was maintaining wealth occurs when you spend less than you earn. I fucking don't even have a job right now and I've basically dwindled my funds for nothing. Oh man. I am going to force myself to learn how to spend less than I earn. I am going to stop making lists of what I want. I am going to stop depending to material things as part of my identity. I am going to start journying on a new path that no one has taken and break away from these fucking stereotypes. I am going to try to live a simple life, and love things that really matter like family, friends, religion, experiences and education and success. I am going to become an effective person, a person that can make something out of nothing, a person that is a leader, an innovator. I am going to spend my time on matters and experiences that are important and that are necessary for the growth I need to achieve my dream of owning my own nursing home. I am going to find my independance through my dependance on God, values, and good work ethic. I can do this. I can do this. The first step is to stand up from where I last fell and start walkin again.

looking back

last post was feb 15, 2009 139 pounds
most recent post was today march 5, 2009 134 pounds
thats fucking amazing! 5 pounds lost
MAN 4 more pounds to 130 YEAAHHHHH

weight update

so today I weighed myself and I am 134 pounds THATS 4 MORE POUNDS AWAY FROM MY GOAL of 130! YAY I have also been going to my dermatologist for a week and a half now almost 2 weeks I went clubbing for a first time in a long time last weekend and it was a huge successs :) Im happy I am seeing some progress with my weight I was 160 before so that is like 26 pounds lostt YAY!

adaptation

its funny how one day you feel you have everything in place
the next day you dont because things shift and change. The reason why I am saying this is because I encouraged <3>
friday clincial saturday free sat see him sunday study. okay now that I think about it its okay


sunday monday tues weds thurs friday saturday
study school school notes chill clinical chill
study <3>
gym

hm from the looks of it I have less time than I did when I had a job
HAHAHAHAHHAAHAH fuck this honestly fuck everything

weight and skin update

So, it's been a long way since I started in october 2008 I was 160 back then, now its feburary 15 2009 and im at 139 (THATS 9 POUNDS AWAY FROM 130 MY GOAL!) So I've lost 21 pounds now and I feel greatttttt :) Also, last thurs I finally took that step in clearing up my skin, I visited my aunts dermatologist SKINWORKS and got my skin checked she put me on perscription topical and oral and put me on a skin care regime. This phase lasts for 6 weeks and then after that I might have to go for another cycle but it's all good ( :) ) So, everythings slowly getting there! Now I just need to concentrate more on biology. So thats the update, i'm on the road to recovery.

reconsider

reconsider this
why when the person you love
just sell you out
doesnt even call
even txt
even leave a voicemail
what do you do
it pisses you off
but what do you do
move on and forget about it
or say something and get into an argument
or say something and then leave the conversation abruptly.
I think the 3rd alternative is what im going to take.